Posts Tagged ‘coping’

Stages of Change

Posted on: June 6th, 2013 by Judith Tremblay No Comments

Perhaps it’s the change in weather that’s brought this on, but I’ve been hearing from many people lately about their wanting to change, not able to change, unwilling to change, needing to change, being afraid to change. Whether you are thinking of ending an unhealthy relationship, changing the way you eat, changing jobs or giving up an addiction, it may help you to become aware of the stages of change.

There are six stages of change. The first is the “Pre-contemplation” stage. At this point, you are really not aware that you have a need to change. You will find yourself rationalizing your behaviour, defending yourself against the need to change or maybe even blaming someone else for the situation in which you find yourself.

Second is the “Contemplation” stage. This is when you start to think there may be a problem that needs to change. You become curious and start looking for information. You may develop an urge to gain more insight into what is happening, perhaps developing a desire to make a change. This is where most people procrastinate. It is a good idea to ensure you have developed good stress management skills to handle any stress that may arise from this point and beyond.

The third stage is the “Preparation” stage. You seriously begin to look at options to make the change. Your view is changing from the past to the present as you become ready to make new choices. You might talk with others about how they accomplished the change you wish to make. You will work through the obstacles in your path and the challenges you may face. Change is becoming a priority. You develop a plan to make the change. This is a time of decision making and commitment to change.

Now you have arrived at the fourth stage – the “Action” stage. You work through the old thoughts, feelings and behaviours that kept you stuck. You will probably ask for help to work through the painful emotions, the hurt and the effort to make the change. People will notice that you are changing. Sometimes, people in your life will not like the changes you are making, and you will get “change back” messages. You might need help to resist going back to the old behaviours, to keep making progress.

After the Action stage is the “Maintenance” Stage. In this stage, you are moving towards a healthy balance, re-evaluating your new behaviours and making necessary adjustments along the way. You have developed new, healthy habits. However, you must remain vigilant in order not to revert back to your old behaviours.

You have now arrived at the stage where your new habits are established and no longer require the same amount of vigilance. Make sure you give yourself a reward for your accomplishment and continue to practice the new behaviour!

Signs of Abuse in a relationship

Posted on: April 9th, 2013 by Judith Tremblay No Comments

I came across a situation today and thought it a good idea to share this information here. Please feel free to share with anyone who may need to read or hear it.

You don’t have to wait until you end up in the hospital with broken bones, bruises and/or internal bleeding to recognize that you are being abused. You may be abused if your partner: prevents you from seeing family or friends or discourages you from seeing them; controls how you spend your money; gets very angry while or after drinking or using drugs; controls your use of necessary medications; unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful all the time; always watches what you do; humiliates you in front of others; makes decisions for you about what to wear or eat or other things you should be deciding for yourself; destroys your property or things you care about; threatens to hurt you, your children or pets; blames you for their violent outbursts; forces you to have sex against your will; threatens to harm themselves when they are angry with you; says things like “If I can’t have you, no-one can”.

Abuse can have serious emotional and physical effects on the person who is abused. If you think you are being abused, get help. No-one has the right to hurt you. If you are afraid of what might happen, talk to a professional and have a safety plan in place.

March is almost over….

Posted on: March 26th, 2013 by Judith Tremblay No Comments

March is always a busy month for me, and this year is no exception. I have been busy with appointments and working on a mountain of paperwork as one contract ends (and involves a quarterly report and an annual one!) and two more begin.

I contribute a short stress busting tip on the Neworld Tuesday shows. I was the guest on the Neworld No Cost Thursday show last week and presented 10 Stress Busting Tips in more detail. Continuing in the managing stress theme, I am also working on my ebook, Stress Less, which I hope to have available soon.

And I can’t forget to mention “Path to Self-Acceptance”, the weekly email program to encourage and support you in loving and nurturing yourself, which started in March. If you are interested in checking that out, just click here.

In the middle of all this, I ended up with a computer virus, and could not use my computer for a couple of days last week. Thank goodness for my notebook! I was unable to access my documents, but was able to keep up with emails and some other important stuff. Lesson learned – I have purchased an external hard drive, so my important documents will be available anytime, anywhere! Funny how my presentation training taught me to be prepared for any possibility while giving presentations, but it never occurred to me to have a back-up drive for my everyday work!

And, oh, yes, I also finally created my Facebook page for Paths To Change. If you haven’t “liked” it yet, I would appreciate it if you could take the time to do that, and invite your friends, too! I will be sharing quotes along with tips to help you deal with your everyday ups and downs, and welcome any questions and ideas you might have as well.

It seems that just yesterday it was the beginning of the new year, and we are already heading into spring and the second quarter of the year. It has been a productive one so far for me, and I am looking forward to sharing information and ideas with you on your path to making positive changes in your life.

This might be a good time to talk about being able to say “no”. Sometimes we value other people’s time more than our own, and find ourselves saying “yes” to doing something when what we really wanted to say was “no”. Other reasons for not being able to say “no”, include being afraid we won’t be liked, not wanting to feel pressured or guilty if we say no, not wanting to let someone else down, the other person might think we’re selfish – you get the idea!

Everyone has the right to say “no”. So, how can you say no in a way that is respectful of the person asking and helps you not to feel guilty or selfish?

* If you really want to but are legitimately busy, say so. If they can’t wait, they can always ask someone else.
* If you aren’t available, or interested, offer to give them the name of someone who might be able to help.
* If it is something you really hate to do, you can refuse, and then offer to help with something that you enjoy.
* Say that you really don’t have the time to add any new projects right now – your schedule is as full as you can want it to be.
* Block time for yourself in your schedule, and be able to say that I am committed to keeping that time for myself.
* Say you have another commitment. It may be a doctor’s appointment or a play date with your child or date night with your significant other. The point is, you are not available.

I hope those hints are helpful.

And, I wish all of you a very Happy Easter! And lots of Chocolate!!

3 Tips to a Healthy Relationship

Posted on: March 17th, 2013 by Judith Tremblay No Comments

3 Tips to a Healthy Relationship

With such a fast pace of life, career and job uncertainties, financial strain, and many other pressures, our relationships can take a back seat and for some of us, our relationship health comes under severe stress. This can lead to feelings of rejection, loneliness, and ultimately, resentment towards the person you’re in a relationship with.

Here are a few tips to keep your relationship strong, especially in stressful times:

1. Set Big Goals
Set big goals for yourself, as well as big goals together to ensure you grow as individuals and as a couple. In this day and age, it’s not uncommon for people to go through career changes in their 30′s, 40′s or 50′s. Some are starting a business which also has the potential to add strain to a relationship and vice versa when things aren’t going so well. When you don’t have anything big to move towards, your behavior can very easily become misdirected and you could possibly find yourself on the hamster wheel going nowhere in a hurry. Your goals should be so big that when you wake up in the morning, you’re excited to get a move on your day, as you will be one step closer to achieving what you want in your life. Make sure to also take an hour during the day just to think, create, relax or to do whatever it is that you do to unwind. Get an agenda to record your goals and schedule time for yourself every day.

2. Identify Your Values
Determine what’s important to you first and foremost, then find out what’s important to your lover for both of you to be happy and content in a relationship as well as in the bedroom. In other words, identify each other’s relationship and sex values, then honor them to the best of your ability while keeping in mind that similar values are the glue that keeps you together, while different values can create conflict when we unknowingly step on them with each other. Values are the things that are most important to you at the core of your being. Once established, a game plan can be created that ensures both of your values are being met. Ask your significant other the following question, “What’s important to you about your relationship?” Write down a list and put them in order with each other. Also inform each other what each value means to you. Respect to one person could have a different meaning another as we all have our own model of the world.

3. Set Boundaries
Learn how to set boundaries. If you have an annoying in-law that shows up at your house unannounced at inconvenient times, you lack boundaries. Boundaries bring peace and harmony into your lives. If you are in distress over trying to take a bit of alone time, constantly being accused of something, you lack boundaries. Boundaries are the things we stand up for and tend to call deal-breakers. Oftentimes and with new families, boundaries are often pushed up against and out of avoidance of confrontation, we remain silent and stew inside. Drama always persists where boundaries do not exist.

Everyone wants to enjoy romantic, loving, respectful relationships, however, they’re not always easy to create, especially when you’re stuck in emotional patterns from the past. The good news is you can nurture your mental health by becoming empowered. From a place of personal empowerment, achieving the above three tips becomes much easier and can really be fun.

Sometimes, we just need more internal resources and one of the most powerful and effective is Time Line Therapy. Time Line Therapy is a tool used to achieve emotional freedom from the past very quickly and easily without having to re-live the event or having to get into detail about it.

There are several seminars and presentations taught throughout the Greater Sudbury area each month. You can also schedule a Private Couples Empowerment Weekend to bring the honeymoon phase back into your relationship.

Re-claim the responsibility for creating joy in your life and use the 3 tips to a healthy relationship to strengthen the bond between you and enjoy a new-found understanding and connection between each other.

Joanna L. Cox actively engages individuals and couples in their pursuit to achieve success in their lives, increase their impact, influence, personal excellence and improve their confidence, creativity, and work/life balance.

A noted Clinical Hypnotherapist, Time Line Therapist, & Trainer of Neuro-Linguistic-Programming (NLP), Joanna is one of only a handful of professionals in Canada to hold ABH-ABNLP & TLTA board certifications at the Trainer level. Joanna has a private practice in the South end of Sudbury and also holds individual & couples empowerment weekends at resorts across Canada and the United States.
http://www.shiftyourmindset.ca/

A Stolen Life

Posted on: March 10th, 2013 by Judith Tremblay No Comments

I was searching for a story about love to include in my February newsletter. My husband was talking to a friend of his who now lives in Spain and is the caregiver for his wife who has Alzheimer’s. This friend mentioned the poetry he has written over the years, and that one of his poems was about his wife.

Thank you, Eamon, for providing this heartfelt poem for me to share with my readers. With your caring and thoughtfulness of your wife, and other family and friends as well, you are truly an inspiration.A

A Stolen Life
With a beautiful face and long dark hair,
she entered the class while I sat there.
I looked at her and fell in love,
she’s truly a gift from God above.
We soon got married and settled down,
and bought a house in the middle of town.
I went to work and she stayed home,
she ran the house and didn’t moan.
Our family soon became of four,
we couldn’t have wished for anything more.
A boy and girl the perfect pair,
and a mother and father that they could share.
We saw our children starting school,
and helped them learn at the swimming pool.
As time went by they wanted to roam,
and we enjoyed our new quiet home.
With our new found freedom we started anew,
and our life took on a different view.
We grew more close with every day,
and learned to live on a pensioner’s pay.
Then slowly my wife could not remember,
she didn’t even know it was December.
My name, our children were soon forgot,
something had caused her brain to lock.
At present I’m nursing a memory,
because my wife has forgotten me.
Feeding and washing is now my life,
and I do it daily because I love my wife.
We’ve had our ups and downs in life,
and now my duty is for my wife.
My love for her is as strong as ever,
and from her side I’ll leave her never.
The instant I saw her I fell in love,
so truly a gift from God above.
There’s nothing more to write or say,
Alzheimer’s stole my wife today.

Eamon Doran 18th September, 2011

A Cracked Pot

Posted on: February 15th, 2013 by Judith Tremblay No Comments

A Cracked Pot
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master’s house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.” “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?” “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half of my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path”. Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Unlike the perfect pot, each of us has our own unique flaws. It is more difficult to accept your flaws if you compare your insides to other’s outsides. We are all cracked pots.

Clutter and Hoarding

Posted on: January 28th, 2013 by Judith Tremblay No Comments

When my husband and I sold our home a little over a year ago and were moving to an apartment, I became aware of how much stuff we had accumulated in the years we lived in our home.

Downsizing was scary at first. I stood in the basement and looked around me and thought, where do I start? On the main floor, the pantry and cupboards were full of dishes and groceries purchased in bulk. The closets were full. The storage cabinets were full.

I did not count the numbers of boxes and bags that were donated and given away. Out the door went shovels, numerous flower pots, clothes, gadgets, knick-knacks, extra curtains, towels and bedding, games, puzzles and books.

I had never thought of myself as a “hoarder”. I kept stuff in case I needed it in the future and it would be silly to have to replace it. For a couple of years I regularly went to yard sales and found numerous deals on stuff that was a good price, or on cute things that I could fix up and use, sometime in the future when I had time to spare…..

I have met several hoarders over the years that I have been working with people in their homes. I attended a three day workshop on working with hoarders, and supplemented that training with a workshop locally to become more aware of the services operated in my city to help hoarders.

I learned that hoarding is an excessive accumulation of things (or animals) and a failure to discard in proportion to what is accumulated. That hoarding means you cannot use a space for its intended use. For example, the dining room table is full of papers and stuff and you cannot use it to eat a meal. The result of hoarding is distress and impaired functioning of the hoarder and/or others living with or caring for, the person who hoards.

There are some red flags that hoarding might be becoming a problem.

1. How many areas of your home cannot be used for their intended purpose without shifting things around?
2. How easy is it to find things when you want them?
3. How difficult is it to walk through the rooms of your home because of clutter?
4. How cluttered are the tops of your furniture?
5. When you see things you want, do you feel you have to have them?

Of course, I don’t have the space here to share all of the information I learned in my training. There are two good books if you would like more information. They are: “Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving and Hoarding” by David Tolin, Randy Frost and Gail Steketee and “Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring” by Michael Tomkins.

I would like to tell you that I no long collect clutter, or store things I don’t need. Unfortunately, I am still a “paper hoarder” and an email hoarder. I am working on both though, and am seeing lots of progress. Being aware helps. Understanding why I do it helps.

If you are thinking of de-cluttering your home, or office, you might find my guest column this month very helpful. I have also hired a Feng Shui consultant to help me at work and at home. You will find Iva’s information in this newsletter as well.

Remembrance Traditions by Madeleine Sauve

Posted on: December 26th, 2012 by Judith Tremblay No Comments

My Guest This Month…

madeleine sauve “Remembrance Traditions during the Holiday Season”.

The Christmas season can be a difficult time when someone in your life has died. While everyone is celebrating, you feel sad that this person is not with you during this joyous season. You may not feel like celebrating or being around people.

Even though it is a painful time, you can still find meaning in the holidays and in life. You can celebrate and honour this person’s life by practicing rituals. This Christmas season develop meaningful rituals that will help you remember the person who has died. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, an author, educator and grief counsellor says: “During your time of grief, the very rituals of the holidays can help you survive them.” Here are a few rituals that he suggests during the Christmas season.

Light a candle

Create a special holiday ceremony or private ritual

Buy a gift for the person who died and give it to someone who will appreciate it

Make handmade gifts in memory of the person who died

Give a gift in the name of the person who died

Buy a special ornament for the Christmas tree

Attend a remembrance ceremony

Assemble a holiday scrapbook or photo album

Hang a special stocking

Make a memory display

Publish a verse in your local newspaper

Start a holiday journal

Prepare favourite holiday foods of the person who died

Other things you can do are write the person who has died a letter telling them what they meant to you. Have a memory circle and tell funny stories about him/her. There are many ways to honour their life. Come up with your own ritual.

During this time, you also need to be compassionate with yourself and give yourself permission to feel your emotions. It’s important that you practice self-care. When we are mourning we often forget to do that. Get plenty of sleep, eat healthy, go for a walk, exercise, drink water and take time for yourself.

If you are having a difficult time with your grief and would like to talk to someone, call Warmhearts Palliative Caregivers Sudbury/Manitoulin at 705-677-0077 ext. 224.

This article was written by Madeleine Sauvé, Client Services Coordinator/Grief Recovery Specialist with Warmhearts Palliative Caregivers Sudbury/Manitoulin.

December Update

Posted on: December 24th, 2012 by Judith Tremblay No Comments

I have enjoyed putting together this year’s blog posts and am very excited about what is in the works for the coming year. Here is a sneak preview – January’s focus will be on clearing clutter and hoarding, February will focus on relationships.

Here we are in December. I love this time of year. My inner child wanders around taking in the sights and sounds of Christmas. I love decorating, listening to carols, buying gifts, visiting friends and family, doing things for others less fortunate than I. I love going to Christmas concerts, picking up those special treats that are part of the Christmas holidays. I love getting and sending Christmas cards! I love cuddling on the couch in front of the fireplace, watching old Christmas movies with my wonderful husband. This year, I am excited and grateful that our youngest two grandchildren (Charlie, three years old and Jesse, almost one!) live close by and we will see them on Christmas Day.

Part of the work I do means that I see people who are ill, who may be dying, who are caring for someone who is ill, and those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. I hope that if you are grieving a loss at this time, Madeleine’s article is of help to you.

A few years ago, a colleague gave a group of us a copy of The Story of The Candy Cane. I have included it in this edition of my newsletter as well.

I have also included “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus”. I loved this true story the first time I read it a long time ago. Reading it each year is one of my favourite traditions. I hope you enjoy it.

I have never been alone on Christmas Day. When I was separated and my children were with their father, I spent the day with my parents, family and friends. At one time, I didn’t even want to imagine how it would feel to be alone. And then I met a woman who told me that she was going to be alone for the first time and she was really looking forward to it. She told me that she would not have to eat turkey, she could eat whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and planned to watch movies and do whatever else she wanted to do, all day. And I thought, ah, perception! Some people like to have Christmas Day to themselves. Thank goodness for our differences!

Whether you celebrate Christmas, or not, love it or find it a difficult time, will be with friends and family or spend time alone – I hope you have inner peace, serenity and contentment as this year ends and the new one begins. May the magic of this season be in your heart all year!

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Posts Tagged ‘coping’

Signs of Abuse in a relationship

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